Confessions of Depression

My confession:

I AM DEPRESSED
I AM FAT
I AM OUT OF SHAPE
I AM AN ADDICT TO UNHEALTHY FOODS

That said, I am swimming against the current and trying to make small changes.  I can't believe how hard those little tiny changes are!  I committed to myself that I would go outside and walk today - even for just a few minutes.  I know that getting a little fresh air and sunshine can't hurt my emotional state, and there is a tiny chance that it will help a little.

So, I started getting ready.  Since it is the middle of January, I decided that I should dress appropriately for the weather, so I checked the weather report.  Sunshine (that is good) and the temperature?  1°.  Yes, that is right, 1°!  Who in their right mind goes outside when it is that cold?  Okay, that is a huge obstacle  but one that can be overcome with lots of clothing.  Next, deciding what clothing to wear - a chore that should be fairly easy, but unfortunately one of the most prominent manifestations of my depression is total anxiety when faced with any type of decision.  I forced myself to fight the anxiety and just put on clothes.  To any normal human being getting dressed is not a major event, but to me when I am fighting depression, it is horrible.  I continually fight with myself wondering which pair of pant is the "best", is the white shirt "better" than the black shirt, etc.  Of course everyone knows that one piece of clothing is not the "best", as long as it keeps me warm, what does it matter?  But - what if the blue sweat pants will keep me warmer than the black ones, and what if I get too hot?  The dilemma continues.

Ok, after a half hour (literally) I finally am dressed.  Unfortunately, I am so out of shape that just getting dressed has made me winded!  I say a short prayer for help.  Armed with phone and earphones I finally go outside and walk to the corner - oh no!  Another decision!  Which way to go?  Is it "better" to turn left, or maybe right?  Of course I could just go straight.  At this point the tears are flowing down my face and forming icicles on my cheeks.  I fought the urge to turn around, turned on a conference talk to listen to and tried not to think as I placed one foot in front of another.  This worked pretty well, and I managed to walk, albeit slowly, for 20 minutes or so.

Of course, by the time the conference talk was over I am exhausted.  My legs hurt, my back hurts, and I am ready to crawl into a hole and never show my face again.  I remember that just a few short years ago I was running - miles!  Today I cannot even make it blocks!  This sends me even farther spiraling down into the deep hole of depression because I know that I have no one to blame for the way that I am now, except for myself.  I turn and head home.  I want a nap, I want chocolate, and I  need  want a Dr. Pepper.

The good news:  instead of a nap, chocolate, or a Dr. Pepper I am writing (very therapeutic) and drinking water.  Perhaps the sun and the walk did a little good.  At this point, I am able to see just a little positive:  I did go outside and walk.  I need to be grateful for the tiny little things at this point.  Now, if I can just figure out what to eat for lunch!