Overcoming Trials

A few weeks ago, Bishop Wilding asked me to give a talk on “Overcoming Trials”. I reluctantly agreed, and soon began writing my talk. I started researching the subject by reading conference talks by several General Authorities. They had many words of wisdom on the subject, and I learned a lot. However, as I started putting my thoughts on paper (ok, it was the computer, not
paper!) the words began to tell the very personal story of BJ’s death. I tried to steer back to the wonderful conference talks, but again I found myself writing about my own personal story. I decided to pray about it and to ask the Lord to help me write the talk where I could share the message that He wanted me to share.

Apparently, He wanted me to bare my entire sole and share all of the things that I had tried to forget about the year after BJ died. When it was finished, I asked Kim to read it,
because I was worried that it would come across as a just a personal story and
not as anything of value to the audience. Kim agreed that I needed to add some actual coping mechanisms that I used, so I tried to add those, but once again I got the distinct impression
that I was to concentrate on sharing my personal story. So, I did.

Dawn, a fairly new member in our ward, spoke first. She must have had the same inspiration that I had, because in her talk, she shared several very personal and hard stories from her life. It was a beautiful talk! She is an amazing woman.

My talk was hard to give, I shed more than a couple of tears, and I could see several tissues wiping eyes while I talked. Throughout the talk I worried again that I was just sharing personal stories and that I was not giving anything of value to the congregation.

Today I had the distinct impression again that I needed to share my talk and felt impressed to include it on my blog, so here is the talk:

I was really surprised when the bishopric asked me to speak on the subject of “Overcoming Trials” because they know, as well as anyone who knows me, that the way I deal with trials is by overindulging in chocolate and Dr. Pepper!

Sister Hilary Weeks has a wonderful new song that explains about overcoming trials.

Hilary Weeks Beautiful Heartbreak

I had it all mapped out in front of me,

Knew just where I wanted to go;

But life decided to change my plans,

And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.

I knew there was no way over it,

So I searched for a way around;

Brokenhearted I started climbin',

And at the top I found...

Every fear, every doubt,

All the pain I went through;

Was the price that I paid to see this view;

And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,

And the faith that I find;

Through the bitter-sweet tears,

And the sleepless nights;

I used to pray he'd take it all away,

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I never dreamed my heart would make it,

I thought about turning around;

But heaven has shown me miracles,

I never would have seen from the ground.

Now I take the rain with the sunshine,

Cause there's one thing that I know;

He picks up the pieces,

Along each broken road.

Every fear, every doubt,

All the pain I went through;

Was the price that I paid to see this view;

And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,

And the faith that I find;

Through the bitter-sweet tears,

And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he'd take it all away,

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

As I was preparing this talk, I felt inspired to share my personal story. Very early on the morning February 20, 2004 my son, BJ, and I went to the natatorium to swim some laps. While BJ was swimming, he all of the sudden started to have what looked like a seizure. I quickly pulled him to the side of the pool where I was met with Coach Robinette and a couple of lifeguards. They called 911 and immediately shocked his heart and did CPR until the paramedics came. Both BJ and I were loaded into the ambulance and it took off with sirens blaring. During the ambulance ride, BJ was shocked several more times, and then several more times in the ER. Kim met us at the ER and we watched the team work on BJ for what seemed like a very long time. Finally, a doctor came over to us and explained that the probability of BJ living was extremely slim and that even if he did live, his brain would be deprived of oxygen because they had worked on him for so long. Kim and I had to make the decision to stop recitation. At that
exact moment, a voice whispered to me, “everything is going to be ok” and I knew that it was time to stop working on my son.

When the Spirit whispered that everything was okay, I knew it to be true, however that knowledge did not take away the pain and the heartache of losing my son. I don’t tell you this for shock value, or to make anyone uncomfortable, I just feel that it is important to know so that you can understand what happened to me after this.

After BJ died, life was very tough! Since I was the one who pulled him out of the pool and was with him through the rescue possess I believe that I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

1-I had a mortal fear of the swimming pool, and even the thoughts of swimming made me nauseous.
2-The sound of sirens brought back the painful memories of the EMT’s working on BJ in the ambulance, and for many, many months just hearing a siren would drop me to my knees and I would cry uncontrollably. This even happened when I heard a siren as part of a parade!
3- I lost the ability to concentrate and consequently was unable to pay bills, damaging our credit.
4- Because I couldn’t make decisions, I quit cooking. Many times I would walk into the kitchen to make dinner and I would stare at the cabinet or fridge and become so paralyzed by indecision that I would literally have a panic attack to the point that I thought that I was having a heart attack and was afraid that I was dying.

5-I quit reading the scriptures, because I couldn't concentrate on the words and it would send me into a panic attack.
6- Driving a car was pure torture – being alone with my thoughts while driving brought back recurring memories of the tragedy, and consequently I would panic, afraid that I would freeze and have an accident. The only way that I could drive alone was if one of my friends or family talked with me on the cell phone the entire time I was driving.
7- One of the very worst parts of my grief was that I hated coming to church. It wasn't because I didn’t enjoy being in church and hearing the speakers. I loved that part! And I loved feeling the comforting presence of the Holy Ghost. However, whenever I looked around at people I saw such love, compassion, and maybe even pity in their eyes. I was sooo overwhelmed by all of the emotions that each week it would cause me to go into an emotional overload and I would have run – run away! For months and months I ran out of the meetings, sobbing hysterically. I can’t even count how many times Kim found me sitting in a classroom alone – sometimes I didn’t even
have the strength to sit in a chair and I would lie on the floor.
8- And, to top it off, I was angry! I was never angry at God for taking my son, although I have heard that that is a common emotion to feel. I was angry at every other person in the world. How dare they continue to have their own lives, to continue living and moving forward when my world had stopped? It was a very, very difficult time.

I’m not relating my experiences because I want anyone to feel bad for me, I’m sharing them so that you can see that I have overcome that trial. At this point in my life, I am not only “ok” that my son died, but I am actually content with it. Don’t get me wrong, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss him and wish that he was here to give me one of his great, big bear hugs! It is just that I have learned to trust the Lord, and to know that He is wiser than I.

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving,

between my God and me,

I do not choose the colors,

He worketh steadily.

Ofttimes he weaveth sorrow,

and I in foolish pride

Forget He sees the upper,

and I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent,

and the shuttles cease to fly,

Will God unroll the canvas,

and explain the reasons why

The dark threads are as needful

in the skillful weaver's hand

As threads of gold and silver

in the pattern He has planned.

From the underside, all we can see of the tapestry that is being weaved of our lives is an ugly conglomeration of knots and yarn; we have to wait until our lives are over to how the Lord has used us to create a beautiful masterpiece.

John 16:33 33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

A very dear friend of mine made a comment soon after BJ’s death that I think of often. She
said, “I don’t envy you for your loss, but I do envy you for the spiritual strength and blessings that you will receive because of it”.

Richard G. Scott said, “Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.”
He goes on to say, “When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does
no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let
me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.”

One of the ways that I got through my trial was by accepting the attitude that if I had to go through this difficult time in my life, I wanted to be better because of it. I asked the question, “What am I to learn from this experience?” and I made a conscious decision to use my situation to help others who may be struggling with similar issues. I spent much time on my knees asking the Lord to bless me with whatever I needed to learn so that I could help my brothers and sisters.

I knew that I was not handling life very well, and so Kim and I made a decision to get some professional help. We went to a counselor at LDS Family Services. This was a very good decision for us. Our counselor helped us understand the grieving process and helped us see appropriate ways to work through our sorrow. I believe that the Lord does not expect us to do everything alone, He has provided medical and emotional resources that are available to assist us in overcoming our trials.

One other thing that helped me deal with this major trial in my life were angels. In D&C 84:88 we read, “ I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”

I felt those angels, bearing me up! Some of the angels were unseen, but many of them were earthly angels who went out of their way to ease my burdens. I learned a very valuable lesson during this time. Previously I was more than willing to help others, but receiving the help was another story! I had to open my heart and allow others to serve me – and by doing so both of us were blessed.

One of those angels felt inspired to give me Book of Mormon in Spanish. I found that if I tried to read the scriptures in Spanish, translating each verse to Kim, that I could begin reading scriptures again. It was amazing to me to see the way that the scriptures became more than words on a page as I concentrated so hard on the understanding the meaning.

During this time I learned more about Christ’s atonement. Previously I had assumed that atonement was only about repentance. Alma 7:11–12: “And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. “And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.”

The atonement is about repentance, but according to Alma, it is much, much more. It is about Jesus Christ taking upon himself all of our pains, our sicknesses, and our infirmities. And he did this so that He would be able to succor his people. To succor means “to give assistance and support in times of hardship and distress”. I felt that no one understood exactly how I was
feeling. But I came to know that there is One who does understand EXACTLY how I am feeling, because He has felt it too! As I started to let Christ into my heart, He helped it to heal. It was not
a quick process, but I could feel Him lifting me, comforting me, and giving me the strength to go on.

One of the greatest blessings that I received through this trial is the knowledge that I received regarding the Plan of Salvation. The Holy Ghost bore witness to me that my son lives, and he is with our family members who love him and who welcomed him with open arms. I know with all of my heart that he is in a wonderful place where he is free from the influences of Satan and the difficulties of mortality. No one looks forward to the stress and heartache of trials. But, we can look forward to the spiritual growth that we can gain from these trials. Said the Lord, “My people must be tried in all things, that they may be prepared to receive the glory that I have for them, even the glory of Zion; (D&C 136:31). The Lord loves us so much that he wants us to be prepared to receive all of His glory!

I am so grateful for the opportunity I have had to grow spiritually through the trial of death of my son. I am so grateful for the opportunity I have had to learn of the love Christ has for me that he would suffer the great pains in Gethsemane. I’m so grateful that I have had a personal witness of the plan of salvation. Because of the death of my son, I know without a shadow of a doubt that Christ lives, and that He personally welcomed my so son home to live in a beautiful place without sorrow or sin. I know that Heavenly Father is wise and he wants me to be the best that I can be, and that only comes through the growth that comes with overcoming trials.

Imagine my surprise when numerous people thanked me after the meeting! Several people mentioned that they really appreciated my sharing, and that they felt that my talk would really help them! Apparently, my story is one that needs to be shared, not because I feel that I have done anything wonderful, but because the Lord wants it shared. Consequently, I am posting in on my blog in an effort to share my testimony to anyone who would like to read it, including my family and future generations.