Viewing

It is so strange to me that I react the way that I do. I wish I had a better understanding of exactly what is happening. It makes no sense.

Tonight I went to the viewing of a friend. He was a very good man, and will be sorely missed. When BJ died, I remember that the viewing was wonderful. It was incredible that so many people came to share with us. All of my memories of the viewing are positive, and I smile whenever I think of it. The viewing was a light in an otherwise dark situation. It buoyed us up and gave us the lift we needed to survive the sad times ahead.

I know with all of my heart that BJ is alive and in a wonderful place surrounded by people who love him. Sure, I miss him, but I don’t wish that he were back here with me – that would just be a selfish wish. I am thrilled to think that he happy and doing well. Yes, I do have some sad times when I miss him so badly that I can’t help crying, but those days of sorrow don’t happen very often. Mostly, I am just “okay” with him being gone, because I know that he is in such a better place.

So, with those thoughts in mind, I wish I could understand why I cannot attend a viewing without falling completely to pieces. Tonight I was the only person in the building who was sobbing uncontrollably. Yes, there were a few tears here and there, but I completely LOST it! What is it about the viewing that sends me off the deep end? It isn’t just because I am saddened at the loss, it isn’t the memories placed around the room, it isn’t the hugging of the family members, and it isn’t seeing the coffin. I can’t figure out what it is. All I know is that it takes me a long time to recover after attending a viewing. I’m not sure it is worth it to go anymore.

Comments

With Crazy Love Jeff and Jamie said…
Audrey you are such an amazing woman. Apart of an amazing family and I thank the lord everyday that I was given the opportunity to be graced with the pleasure of calling you all family! BJ touched my life in a way I can't seem to explain. He was the first Olsen (other than Mantua Olsens) to walk right up the first time I met you all and hug me and say, "welcome hope your in for CRAZY?!?!" That was all I needed to fill like I immediatly fit right in! The rest is history! Thank you is all I can say even though it doesn't explain the joy I feel when I look at the infamous Thanksgiving picture sitting on a special shelf in my home. I love you all!
January 7, 2011 at 11:31 PM
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