Week In Review

This week started off nice and calm, in fact I was beginning to wonder if I would even have anything noteworthy to write about.  I shouldn't have wondered, for the week ended with a BANG - literally!

Kalel participated in his first Pinewood Derby this week.  Grandpa Bob (aka Kim) helped him design and cut out the car.

 Kalel did all of the painting himself

It was a very sharp looking car!  Tuesday night Kim stayed home from work to get the car weighed and to watch the Derby.  Kalel's car wasn't the fastest, but it competed well.

It was a fun night for all.  It was especially fun because Kalel and Tristan had a chance to race their cars against each other.  Tristan's car was a little faster.

I rushed from the Derby to go to choir practice with the Symphonic Choir.  Happy news!  Jalyn decided to join the choir with me!  It will be so fun to have her there with me.  I always feel out of my comfort zone with all of the great singers it will be fun to have a good friend there.   Not that the other members of the choir aren't nice, they are very kind and accepting.  I just don't feel that I am equal to their great talent and abilities.  Jalyn will fit in well with them, she has a beautiful voice.  I just mostly love to sing and to learn.

Wednesday night I joined the ladies in our ward in attending a wedding shower for Heather.  She was one of my favorite young women and I can't believe that she is all grown up and getting married!  She is a beautiful young lady and I'm very happy for her.  

Heather and Shan.  

I started a diet last week and I have been doing very well with it.  I have even done something that I previously thought impossible - I went 5 days without a Dr. Pepper!  I have been quite addicted to Dr. Pepper for so long I thought I would never be able to go one day without one, let alone five!  But, the more I went without it, the less I missed it.  However I decided to keep one available in case I REALLY want one.  I will drink it without guilt.  Knowing how hard I struggle in January and February I decided that I would not beat myself up for something as silly as a Dr. Pepper weakness in light of all of the other demons I deal with at this time of the year.  

Consequently I fell off the wagon and have had several Dr. Pepper's this weekend.  Guess what - they taste pretty good.  But, I don't think I like how I feel when I drink a lot of Dr. Pepper.  I don't think that it will be hard to stop again this week.  We will see.   

Friday was BJ's 33rd birthday.  I wonder how he is doing - no, I wonder what he is doing.  I'm sure that he is happy and busy and very loved.  I wish I could see him - where he is now..  I wish I could have him hug me tight and lift me up and spin me around and make me feel like he was squishing my guts out.  I wish that I could have an evening of playing games and laughing and joking with him.  I wish I could see him get on the ground and play with little kids.  I wish I could hear him laugh.  I miss him.  But I am at peace, I have no doubt that he is in a wonderful place and that he is happy.  I ran into a friend the other day who's son recently passed away, but the circumstances are not the same.  Her son was not in a good place when he died.  My friend has tried and tried but cannot find the peace that she has been seeking and praying for.  I know other's who are experiencing similar feelings as my friend.  They can't find peace.

What is the difference?  Why do I feel at peace?  I don't even feel that I had to work hard at obtaining that peace, I KNEW even before he was gone that BJ was going to be happy and taken care of and loved so much more than was possible here on earth.  I have NEVER doubted that.  Why?  Why have I not had to struggle with that?  I feel extremely blessed and humble and undeserving of achieving this blessing.  My struggle is finding a way to to give love and comfort to those like my friend who don't feel the peace.  My heart hurts so bad for my friend.  

Kalel spent the night, in the morning he got cold so he got into bed with Grandpa.
Isn't it sweet how he cuddles?

I have been suffering with aches and pains in my neck, shoulders, and upper back. Between the emotional stress I struggle with this time of the year coupled with the stress I carry in my shoulders from hours and hours at the computer I have really been hurting.
So Friday morning (BJ's birthday) I scheduled a massage with a student at our college.


It was wonderful - if not a little painful!  I told the masseuse that I wanted a deep tissue massage to try to alleviate some of the tension in my muscles and he took me seriously!  YEEOWW, he really worked the muscles!  Even 2 days later I feel bruised and sore from it.  Next time I think I will avoid the deep tissue and just go for some relaxation!  However, it was still wonderful!  I'm glad I took the opportunity to schedule some time for me.

After the massage we had a faculty meeting.  We spent a lot of time talking about how we can help our students pass the NCLEX exam.  I am so impressed with the faculty I work with.  They truly care about each and every student and want to see them succeed.  After the meeting we walked next door to Training table for lunch.  It was wonderful, I haven't been to Training Table for a long time.  The food was great, the company was better, except poor Sue who is recovering from pneumonia, she wasn't up to her normal self.   Sally was in Indiana attending her brother's funeral.

That evening Jodi arranged for a few of us to go to dinner.  We joined the Wildings, Parrishes, and Hepworths for a yummy dinner at Idle Isle.  We have the BEST FRIENDS ever!  They knew that I was struggling, so they planned the evening to cheer me up.  We had a great dinner, and were surprised to find that several other ward members were also having dinner there that night!

Unfortunately I didn't get a pic of the Parrishes or Wildings (I thought I did, but it didn't show up)

While we were at dinner Mitch Parrish got engaged!  I couldn't be happier for him.  I have heard nothing but good about his fiance, Jessica.  Congratulations to them both!

After dinner we came home and played a game of Trivial Pursuit with Tasha and Zane over Skype.  What a marvelous invention!  The ability to see each other in real time hundreds of miles away!

Tasha beat Kim and I soundly the first round, but we got back at her later!

After staying up late, we got to bed just after midnight At 1:38 my phone rang.  It was my dad's Guardian alert system telling me that my dad had fallen, hit his head, and that emergency medical services (EMS) was on their way.  Kim and I quickly dressed and took off.  EMS was there before we arrived.  They had dad sitting up in a chair in the living room, his head was covered in blood.  They were assessing him to see how badly he was hurt.  He said that he didn't remember where or how he fell, he said that he thought he blacked out and when he woke up he had trouble getting up, but finally stumbled to the bed.  He must have kicked over a bowl of sockets he had near the bed because it looked like he broke his toe.  EMS determined that he wasn't badly hurt, but had a big gash on his head that would need stitches, so they loaded him up on the gurney, placed him in the ambulance, and took him to the hospital.

EMS told us that they were the second team to be called out in just a matter of minutes.  Sure enough, when we arrived at the hospital we found that there were many emergency staff members working on a trauma in the next room.  We didn't know who the trauma was, but we noticed there were family members there and we assumed that the injured person was a teenager or young adult.   Dad's nurse got him all hooked up to the monitors and an IV started.  We were waiting for him to get a CT scan when all of the sudden we heard sounds coming from the trauma room.  There was just a curtain separating us, so we could hear pretty well.  

The sounds we heard were sounds that are forever etched on my heart.  They are the sounds of CPR being performed, of voices counting each compression and then saying "breathe" and the sound of an air bag being compressed.  The counting starting over again.  The "whirrr" of  the defibrillator charging and then a computer voice saying, "all clear", then silence, then the "BAM" as a the shock occurs and the body arches and bounces on the bed.  Then the computer voice again, "analyzing" and then "resume CPR".  Over and over the sounds are repeated.

It has been 12 years since I heard those same sounds when they were working on my son in that very same room.  12 years is a long time.  Usually I can't remember what happened 12 minutes ago let alone 12 years ago.  However when I heard those sounds the memory of BJ's trauma came back to me as if it just had happened.  My stomach rebelled and threatened to spill.  My heart and lungs constricted until I was having trouble breathing.  Tears spilled from my eyes.  

Yes, I am very much at peace with my son's death, but the trauma regarding his death I'm afraid will never leave me.  Even as I am typing this my heart is racing and I'm struggling not to vomit.  But for some reason I NEED to record it.  Perhaps if I write it I will better be able to deal with it, I don't know.

Thank goodness for Kim!  He was not affected in the same way (probably because he didn't arrive until the last few minutes of BJ's trauma and I was present the entire time).  Anyway, he had the presence of mind to notice that I was visibly upset.  He helped me get down to the Labor and Delivery department of the hospital, the unit where I work.  The nurses were very busy, but kind as they saw how upset I was.  I asked to use an empty room where I immersed myself in a computer game until Kim found me.  He indicated that the person in the trauma room had not survived.  They had finally taken my dad to x-ray and that he felt it would be better I remained in L&D until dad was ready for discharge because the family was all mourning outside the trauma room.  Needless to say I am extremely grateful for Kim and his kind, loving heart.  

At long last I was summoned to the emergency department because dad was ready to go home, complete with 8 stitches in his head.  His CT was clear, no sign of concussion or TIA.  We gathered him up and took him home to bed. 

While we were in the hospital dad mentioned over and over how nervous he was after this fall that we would fall down the stairs.  He also told us that he wished his house wasn't so messy because it made him nervous.  So, the next morning after a couple hours of sleep, we rallied the troops together and made plans to do some cleaning.

However, it snowed very heavy and the roads were covered in snow, so Ashley decided to give Kalel and Tristan a ride on the sled behind the 4-wheeler.  They had a blast traveling all over since the roads weren't plowed yet!

This is a combined panorama picture of them.

When I was young we spent many hours being towed behind my dad's 3-wheeler.  We would laugh and crash and laugh some more.  I was so glad that Ashley took the time to share that experience with Kalel and Tristan.

All four of the sisters got together along with our husbands and did a massive clean-up of dad's house.  The boys installed a door on the stairs so that dad wouldn't fall down the stairs if he lost his balance.  We discarded a lot of mom's old stuff that really wasn't worth saving.  We organized and moved all of his tools off of the floor so that he wouldn't trip on them.  I know it was hard for dad because he was afraid that we would get rid of some of the things that he values, but we were very careful and did not get rid of anything of his.  I counted over 20 sets of sockets for wrenches, but I didn't get rid of any of them!  We decided that since he was using the living room as his work shop that he needed some good shelving in there so we installed some heavy duty shelves against the wall.  Unfortunately I didn't get any pictures - I was just too tired hard after working so hard all day and having very little sleep the night before.  It looks so much better and safer.  It probably won't stay organized, but at least it is safe for the time being.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mother's death and I was feeling the need to connect with her somehow.  I'm not usually one who feels the need to visit the cemetery but I was thinking about going there.  However, cleaning up dad's house totally fulfilled the need.  I feel that she was happy to see all of us working so hard together in dad's behalf.



THIS WEEK I AM GRATEFUL FOR:
The knowledge I have of God's plan for us after we leave this earth.  I'm so grateful to know that BJ and my mom are in a glorious place.  A place that is filled with joy and no sin.  A place where they can continue to learn, work, and grow.  A place where happiness abounds.  A place where they can be with our Heavenly Father and our Brother, Jesus Christ.