Week in Review 2/12/17 - 35th Anniversary

My first thought is to start this post with the words to a song by the incredibly talented duo of Simon and Garfunkel.

However as I was researching the lyrics I realized that I had messed up the words in my head and it really wasn't what I wanted to say.

In my version the lyrics are:

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to visit you again.

Yes, it is here again, the dreaded winter depression and anxiety, and it is really bad this year.  I just want to climb into a hole and not come out until I feel normal again.  I feel like every year I struggle with this and always complain, and I don't want to sound whiny, but it is very real, and it is hard.  Today Nancy Moyle gave a fabulous talk of ways she is dealing with depression and anxiety that she suffers with each winter.  It was so good, and she is doing well with it.  It is funny, I have no problem understanding things that can make it better, she had some great suggestions, but they just don't seem to fit with my struggles (probably because my self-esteem is so low right now).  During this dark time I listen to others speak about prayer and talking with God, I remember that I have said thousands of prayers - and I have had answers, but right now I honestly feel like I can't remember how to say a prayer or to talk with my Heavenly Father, especially about me and my depression.  I try, every day I try, but my prayers just feel like I am all jumbled up and not making any sense.  I am grateful for many things, and I tell God how grateful I am, but as soon as I try to say anything else my thoughts get confuddled and I just end up apologizing over and over again for my lack of . . . pretty much everything.  I did ask Nancy to send me the references on the talks she shared today, maybe it will help a little.

 Enough of that.  35 years ago today Kim and I were married!  What a wonderful anniversary to share!  35 years of being married to one of the kindest and most fun men in the entire world.  He has such a kind heart and he sets a great example for me on putting others before self.  He loves to do things to make me laugh - and I love to laugh with him!

 We decided this year that we wanted to celebrate simply and just spend some time together.  With our crazy work schedules and helping out with the grandkids we seldom get to just spend time alone together.  It was great.  Friday night we played some "getting to know you better" type games that made us think and talk.  We laid on the couch and watched a movie together.  Saturday we spent the morning at Kalel's gymnastic meet.

We then went to Costa Vida for lunch and then came home and spent the rest of the day together.  We took a nap, played some more games, watched Pete's Dragon and Around the World in 80 Days while we snuggled.  It was the perfect way to spend our anniversary!  Just spending time with the one I love.

Wish I looked like this when I was getting a massage!

With my depression as well as work stress my shoulders and neck have been so tight that I have literally been tied in knots!  I have also been fighting severe headaches.  I finally got smart and decided that I needed to take care of me.  So I booked myself a massage at the college with one of the students.  The instructor insisted that I get an 80 minute massage because I was so tight.  She booked me with one of more experienced students and I started my day off on Friday with a little piece of heaven!  The entire time she was kneading the knots out of my neck and shoulders I kept asking myself over and over why I didn't do this more often.  The price is great, and it feels SO GOOD!  I believe that I really needed to give myself that gift.  I felt so relaxed the rest of the morning, I almost felt as though I could float.  Unfortunately by the afternoon I had started to tighten up again, so I think that I should go again very soon!

Last week Marilyn invited me to get a pedicure with her because she had a gift certificate.  Of course I jumped at the chance!  Unfortunately they somehow misplaced our reservations so we booked one for this week and they gave it to us for 1/2 price.  So Friday afternoon, I rushed after faculty meeting to meet Marilyn.  Again we had students, but they did great!  It was a great day for me to get pampered top to bottom!

I am cherishing any time that I can spend with Marilyn because I know that the time is soon coming when she will be living thousands of miles away.

Thursday was my mom's birthday.  I can't believe that she has been gone for 5 years.  I sure hope that she is happy right now.  I miss talking with her before she got sick.  I really don't visit dad often enough, I know that I should, but I still don't.  He is getting so forgetful that I don't know how much longer he can live alone.  Honestly sometimes I just try to ignore the problem because I don't know how to deal with it, but that isn't right.  The other day I stopped by, he was in his bedroom watching TV.  I asked him what he was doing and he said, "Watching a basketball game".  I looked and saw that the TV had a snow scene picture which faded to another scenery picture, and then another.  I said, "I thought you were watching a basketball game" and he said that he was.  When I pointed out that it was just pictures of scenery on the screen he couldn't explain it.  I took the remote and changed the channel to a game, but then I realized that everyone was talking in Spanish.  I changed the channel to see if we were just on a Spanish channel - nope, every channel was in Spanish.  I asked dad if he had noticed and he replied that he had not noticed, he said that he doesn't hear too well anyway.  I finally figured out how to change the language back to English for him.  I'm so glad that he doesn't seem to stress out about too many things.

This morning Kim and I stopped by (the Medical Guardian had a report of a fall that I had to check out, false alarm), and he started talking about the fact that he had gone to the church to pay something, he couldn't remember what, and it didn't work out.  He continued without stopping telling us about a vacuum that was in his living room but he didn't remember who to give it back to.  Then in the same breath told us about his bladder problems and that he had gone to the church to pay something, but he couldn't remember what and he didn't know who to give the vacuum to, but he fixed it and it was an expensive one, but his bladder . . . . and on and on.  He circled through the same jumbled conversations at least 5 times.  It is like his mind gets into a loop and can't get out.  I'm really worried that he is going to need a lot more help than we can give, especially since all of us girls are so busy and selfish with our time.  I know that since I am the oldest and have the medical background I should make recommendations to the rest of the family, but honestly I just don't know what to do, so I just freeze up and do nothing.  What a lousy daughter!  Oops, there I go getting down on myself, sorry.

I followed up with my new heart doctor and he recommended with that my strain of Long QT that it would be a good idea to never go swimming anymore because my strain is known for causing death - especially during swimming.  I love swimming, and I just got some waterproof earphones so I could listen to music while I swim.  In the past I have pretty much ignored the fact that I have Long QT since I was over 40 by the time that I was diagnosed.  I exercised as I pleased and even taken medications that were expressly contraindicated in Long QT patients.  However, while talking with the doctor this week it struck me that I actually have a time bomb ticking inside of me and that a twin bomb had already gone off and killed my son.  The risk of it going off in me is real!  I'm not afraid of dying (much) but I sure don't like the idea of Kim having to take over all of the household and family things, and I don't want my girls to not have a mom and my grand kids to miss out on being with their grandma.  For the first time I acknowledged that I honestly needed to be careful.  He prescribed me Beta blockers that are supposed to help, but the stress test showed that I definitely had elongation with exercise.  My sister (who also has Long QT) told me that I am being paranoid and that I should find a doctor who wouldn't scare me so much.  I don't know, I think I will not swim for now.

THIS WEEK I AM GRATEFUL FOR:
My wonderful husband who makes me happy